manufacture your misery...

"Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize on it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence." (Alcoholics Anonymous.p133)

So...I feel like I have been manufacturing my misery. Parents get old, they die. I feel like I want to be serene and peaceful about it all and thus demonstrate that I understand His omnipotence. But I am so SAD!!

How do you do it? How do you find peace? How do I cheerfully capitalize on THIS?

On the plus side - I am sober to help them and witness them through this part of their journey but I am 1000 miles AWAY!

And I worry that I am manufacturing my misery - like the Monty Python skit - "they ain't dead yet!"

I don't feel particularly graceful or dignified right now....

Thanks for a place to put this...

Today, well lived...

Today well lived...

"Each today, well-lived, makes yesterday a dream of happiness and each tomorrow a vision of hope. Look, therefore, to this one day, for it and it alone is life."

Someone sent this in a profile comment yesterday and it inspired me the whole day. I have seen it several times over the last several days...no coincidence, I am sure.

Today, WELL lived....

I went to bed last night and asked myself if I had lived well. And I could honestly answer yes.

Several times during the day, I asked myself if I was living well. And I was.

This morning, I asked how I could live today well. What can I do to enhance the world that I live in? To contribute? To give? And I've come up with some ideas, most of them very mundane. But it feels right to ask that question of myself now.

Quietly, humbly and gratefully, I share this phrase with you. May it have the same effect on you as it did on me.

Thanks for a place to put this.

Grateful for my job, sobriety, crisp autumn days and cold autumn nights. Montreal smoked meat and good rye bread. Kids, kittens, ken...

Simple things...

Simple things....
My daughter woke me up gently this morning and then brought me breakfast in bed. A bagel, toasted with cream cheese and a glass of milk. She didn't dare carry the coffee upstairs! :)

I was laying in my bed, appreciating the good lay in that I had had. It's getting cooler now where I live and there is wonderful north breeze blowing. Winter is coming...

I've got giardiniere to can and bread to bake. My husband brought me a proofing basket so that I can make my breads look even prettier. It wasn't something I asked him to bring me, just a sweet thing to do on his part.

The kittens are sweet and snuggly and wonderful. Revovering nicely from their spaying. We have a snug little house and a warm down blanket and happy kids and my network of friends is growing. Every meeting that I go to, I feel a little bit more "a part of".

I scheduled a trip home. My mom needs help and I want to see my Dad - he is not doing well and, while not FAILING, he is definitely FADING. So hard. And yet, I feel now that maybe I won't dissolve into a pool of nothing (or alcohol) when he dies. Maybe now I have some OTHER tools that I can use to get through it.

No real point here today, and certainly not a revelations kind of post. But sometimes it is the simple things, well noticed that make me feel the most content.

Thanks for a place to put this.

So very grateful for kids, ken, kittens, my husband, sobriety and fellowship.

Sweaty toothed mad man...

From Dead Poet's Society - in reference to Walt Whitman - Tod is pushed to BE the poet that is inside of him, no matter WHAT intimidates him. Sometimes I am so filled with conflicting emotions that it hurts...I am physically overwhelmed by it. I don't put those emotions to much use. I just hide from them. But I am trying. This blog is as much for me as it is for you, really. It is a place that I can put those big, big feelings into perspective. If I write for you, than I am not hiding from them. And maybe, just maybe, what I write will strike a chord with you and you won't have to live this way. I also want to remember that all of those feelings/fears mean nothing if I don't ACT. I need to DO if I want to feel productive and healthy. Nobody "thinks" themselves into a better place.

I woke up today feeling bludgeoned. I don't know why. Maybe it was just that I was deeply asleep and then pulled from it. But there is a core of fear inside today. Just nervous. So...I am sitting at my desk - NOT laying on my bed. And I am going to go outside today - it is more than perfect out. And I am going to a meeting and I am bringing you to TaeKwondo. So, yeah. Lots to do today. Just need to stop...waiting for life, hiding from life.

I know that this entry won't make any sense. That's okay. All I really want you to know that the randomness in my head isn't your fault. I love you my girls.

Good morning my girls,

I have learned a few things over the last week - wanted to share them with you.

- I've learned that you are just where you are supposed to be. And so am I.
- I've learned that frustration is better let out than in.
- that no one should be afraid to SHOW what is in their heart, at least not amongst family.

- that I am still learning and growing and that for so long, I thought I was supposed to be...done. We're never done. Don't ever stop trying to understand our purpose here and how our lives affect another.

- that your dad is a good man. Faults and all - he loves you and he loves me.

- that our little family is safe and protected and loved and that our love will continue to grow if we let it. It can also diminish if we don't work hard to keep it flourishing.

- that when you bury the hurts, they come back and bite you tenfold. Don't bury them.

- that these lessons have to be learned over and over and over again. Wash, rinse, repeat.

- that we can turn things over to a higher power and ask for HIM to hold them for a bit. We don't need to control the world. We don't need to control how we feel. We don't need to control, period. We can just let things happen and they will unfold as they are supposed to.

- that people/places/things are put into our lives for a reason. Every time. EVERY time. For so long, I believed that it was coincidence or fate or dumb luck or BAD luck. Nope. I don't think so anymore. We might not understand the reason, but there is always a reason and ALWAYS a solution.

I could go on, but, honestly? You won't believe most of this until you learn it for yourself. Just know that I am here and that I understand (or am trying to) and that I will do whatever I can to help you.

I love you.

Thanks for a place to put this. Grateful for:

Sobriety, kids, husband, ken, sponsor.

A good sermon isn't preached, it is lived...

I was resentful as I left you with my friends to go to a meeting this evening. I was enjoying myself and feeling good. There was no danger of my drinking, but the camaraderie feeling was definitely there. It felt like "old times" in a way. You were having fun, my girlfriends were getting "tight". I could feel good, deep conversations on the horizon. Yup. Old times.

When I realized that I would have to leave in a few moments if I was to get to my sponsor's house on time, I thought, "Damn. Now? I have to leave NOW?" I argued it back and forth in my head and even tried to come up with some good excuses as to why I couldn't go. Fact is though, I knew that I needed to. Somewhere, deep in my heart, I knew that if I blew off this meeting, it would be way too easy to blow off another. Accountability.

Turned out to be a good meeting after all. Saw a magazine cover with HOME on it - made me homesick and sad, but it was there for a reason. Not sure what it is yet, but maybe it was HP's way of telling me that I AM home, even here.

And, as one who can get just a bit "preachy" sometimes as I look down from my self righteous mount...it was good to see that sign along the road on the way home.

"A good sermon isn't preached, it is lived".

My girls, you were perfect today.

Jelly made, laundry done, house picked up. We even sat around the kitchen table and made up a list of family "rules" in an effort to cut down on the confusion in our daily lives. I don't know if it will work, but I want you to know (when you read this) that I am trying. I am trying with all of my heart to give you tools that you can use, that WE can use to make our family safe and strong and full of wonderful memories. Be safe. Feel peace. I love you both.

Mundane, and that's a good thing...

Olivia, I love you to pieces, but my head will never be the same after you do my hair! I think that you have removed my scalp with the brush! Ah, well. It's what mothers do...

You both had a good day at school today - it's FRIIIIIIDAAAAAY! Olivia has already said that she wants to watch a movie this evening - with popcorn, all together. Sounds like a plan for me. It's raining and Hurricane Ike is coming ashore in Texas. Grandma and Grampa are hanging in there - Grampa is struggling these days, more and more. I hope that you remember him with lots of love, even though he scared you. He scared me too, sometimes, you know. You need to know that when you get older. But he was full of love. He was. He just didn't know how to show it. To me or to you.

I cleaned my closet today and put away clothes. Did laundry. Took Porridge to get his nails clipped. Worked a little. Cleaned the cat litter. Washed the toothbrushes. Organized my desk. Made our bed with the new comforter - it's nice!

This is a short one. Just a little update as you watch tv in my room while I type. I like having you in the same space. I like having you in my world. I need you to know that. I love you both so much.