Just got back from a trip home. Saw my old house, actually got to walk through it with E. Saw my bedroom, the boys' rooms, my folks room...the woodwork, the floors, the windows...it all made me feel...cozy. My heart opened and I enjoyed seeing it through the little one's eyes. I wanted to be back there, back in that time. The before time.
Very emotionally draining trip this time around. Dad so very weak, his legs were like golf clubs and we had to lift him into the car. Mom struggling so with resentment, bitterness and depression. I left feeling like I never wanted to leave, like I never wanted to come back again. My heart's been sore since. So heavy.
I installed Skype for my dad on his computer, so that we could see each other as we talked, so that Mom & I could talk face to face more often. He never used it. His grand niece is coming this weekend and he asked me to be sure it was working so that he could use it with her. Sigh. Sucks to be so overlooked. There was a time when I would have been angry with him for this. Now I just want it to be over. I'm so tired of being the "least one". It's a term of endearment, I know, but...eesh...sometimes hits too close to home, ya know?
My least one came into my bed this morning. Snuggled right up next to me (it's definitely snuggle season...) and was so glad for the "warmy" spot. As I cradled her too fast growing self against my chest, I realized that my original family might not want/need me, but I have two little people that love me with all of their heart. My focus needs to be there, on them. I am slowly saying good bye to my family. To my homeland. To my little "self". Better late than never...Hopefully will be able to reinvent someone to take my place...scary thought, that.
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