So much of me is still there...

Just got back from a trip home. Saw my old house, actually got to walk through it with E. Saw my bedroom, the boys' rooms, my folks room...the woodwork, the floors, the windows...it all made me feel...cozy. My heart opened and I enjoyed seeing it through the little one's eyes. I wanted to be back there, back in that time. The before time.

Very emotionally draining trip this time around. Dad so very weak, his legs were like golf clubs and we had to lift him into the car. Mom struggling so with resentment, bitterness and depression. I left feeling like I never wanted to leave, like I never wanted to come back again. My heart's been sore since. So heavy.

I installed Skype for my dad on his computer, so that we could see each other as we talked, so that Mom & I could talk face to face more often. He never used it. His grand niece is coming this weekend and he asked me to be sure it was working so that he could use it with her. Sigh. Sucks to be so overlooked. There was a time when I would have been angry with him for this. Now I just want it to be over. I'm so tired of being the "least one". It's a term of endearment, I know, but...eesh...sometimes hits too close to home, ya know?

My least one came into my bed this morning. Snuggled right up next to me (it's definitely snuggle season...) and was so glad for the "warmy" spot. As I cradled her too fast growing self against my chest, I realized that my original family might not want/need me, but I have two little people that love me with all of their heart. My focus needs to be there, on them. I am slowly saying good bye to my family. To my homeland. To my little "self". Better late than never...Hopefully will be able to reinvent someone to take my place...scary thought, that.

Wow...things turn so quickly...

So, it's a good news/bad news thing today. On the job front, good news, I may have a chance at a pretty sizable promotion, we'll see...Bad news? Dad/Grampa is very sick - he's been diagnosed with MRSA. He's 87 and his system isn't really strong, so he may not make it through this one. That said, he's come through so many times before, you never can write the script, right? So, I'm hoping for the best (even as I am fearing the worst.)

You girls are doing just great and it's been a fun summer for you so far! You both got belt promotions with TaeKwonDo! Congratulations! You've been to the pool and played with lots of friends. Staying up late and catching fireflies in the evening - just being wonderful kids! E, you're getting ready to go to France with Papa alone for the first time. It will be strange to be going without me and Olivia, but I can't help thinking that you are so very lucky to be getting to travel alone with your Dad. This will stay with you always. Treasure it, no matter what happens!

Olivia, you & I will go to NC to visit other relatives, hopefully, depending on how Grampa does. This is such a hard time in your mom's life. Your grampa is such a good and honorable man and I've always loved him with all my heart. It's so hard to see him declining so slowly. I have a pit in my stomach these days, wondering when he will pass.

Doing my best to stay focused on the here and now and not "write the script". It's good to have that spiritual foundation that I've been working on for the last couple of years. Can't imagine going through this without it and I will always be grateful for it. Will write more later. Love, mom

Musings on a Sunday morning...

I do struggle with relationships, my dears...there are times when I feel close enough to crawl inside of someone, and other times well...other times when I just don't even know how we fell into the same lives together. And I'm not talking about your dad necessarily, although surely he fits like that, too, sometimes...I guess I'm talking about everyone out there. A few things that I've learned about relationships:

- no matter what, you can't get your own life satisfaction out of them. That's still got to come from within you.

- don't let the other person's mood/reactions alter your perceptions of the day/event/happening - I'm still working on this one, always will be, I think.

- forgive the other person when you can and move on. Don't dwell on the hurts.

- Call them on the bullsh*t.

- Be prepared when they call YOU on the bullsh*t.

- Try to think of THEM - the other - before yourself. Challenging, for sure. But that's what it takes. That doesn't mean laying down and letting them walk all over you. Hell, no. But think of their needs, then your needs and maybe you can find some compromise.

- people DO move in and out of your life. It hurts when they leave, but that doesn't have to change your feelings for them. Always leave the light on.

I'll write more later, but these thoughts were in my head today and I wanted to jot them down for you.

It's been too long!

Well, it's been a long time since I've written! At least here, anyway...I've been busy, life got in the way. I'm almost finished my Master's degree now. And I'm glad that I did it. I'm hoping that you will forgive me for being too busy for you sometimes. It's been hard, balancing work and school and life. I feel like I've done okay. You are both still growing and so very cool. Emma, you're almost a BLACK belt! WOW! When did THAT happen??? And Olivia, darlin' Olivia, you've tried so many things and always feel just a bit in your sister's shadow. Not to worry, you'll hit your stride and find your niche. Don't ever compare yourself with another, right? I think that it's funny how kids get "cool" one day. I don't think that I ever felt that way, but you guys? You've got it goin' on. Olivia with your sense of style and sass. Emma with your amazingly deep wisdom and kindness. I admire both of you, ya know. Even when I'm frustrated with you! :)

LOL - both of you are sick of hearing me talk, talk, talk. Here I am, trying to offer you my great wisdom...you just want to go PLAY! And rightly so. I should take a page from your book, I think. Maybe that's why I'm writing today - cuz you are sick of me trying to TELL you...

I was reading another blog today and someone mentioned feeling sad and how they felt that we, the readers, could likely feel their sadness. It's true, you know. Words have such power. I hope that you grow up to appreciate them as I do. I don't know, though...technology dominates everywhere for you guys. A book? With PAGES??? C'mon, Mom, that is SO old fashioned! LOL! Yup, yup it is. And honestly, I do my reading on the internet now as well...but I remember books being such a safety for me. I'd get lost for days and days in my books, reading them over and over, almost to tatters...

I want you to watch out for depression as you get older. It runs in the family and it is a scary thing. You have to be on guard against it. You have to recognize the signs and be sure that you don't get swallowed into the void. I'm just sayin'...be careful. When you get older, we'll talk about it, and we'll be open and honest about it and see it for what it is and not for a "weakness" or a "failing". Not sure what makes me want to write that, maybe it's the changes that I see in you, my dear Emma. You are really starting to seem so grown up and the hard years are coming. I want to be there to help you learn during those times, if you'll let me.

I'm gonna go pull the ziti out of the oven. I can smell that it's done and it's Olivia's favorite. Love you my girls. Will try to write more often.