Simple things...

Simple things....
My daughter woke me up gently this morning and then brought me breakfast in bed. A bagel, toasted with cream cheese and a glass of milk. She didn't dare carry the coffee upstairs! :)

I was laying in my bed, appreciating the good lay in that I had had. It's getting cooler now where I live and there is wonderful north breeze blowing. Winter is coming...

I've got giardiniere to can and bread to bake. My husband brought me a proofing basket so that I can make my breads look even prettier. It wasn't something I asked him to bring me, just a sweet thing to do on his part.

The kittens are sweet and snuggly and wonderful. Revovering nicely from their spaying. We have a snug little house and a warm down blanket and happy kids and my network of friends is growing. Every meeting that I go to, I feel a little bit more "a part of".

I scheduled a trip home. My mom needs help and I want to see my Dad - he is not doing well and, while not FAILING, he is definitely FADING. So hard. And yet, I feel now that maybe I won't dissolve into a pool of nothing (or alcohol) when he dies. Maybe now I have some OTHER tools that I can use to get through it.

No real point here today, and certainly not a revelations kind of post. But sometimes it is the simple things, well noticed that make me feel the most content.

Thanks for a place to put this.

So very grateful for kids, ken, kittens, my husband, sobriety and fellowship.

Sweaty toothed mad man...

From Dead Poet's Society - in reference to Walt Whitman - Tod is pushed to BE the poet that is inside of him, no matter WHAT intimidates him. Sometimes I am so filled with conflicting emotions that it hurts...I am physically overwhelmed by it. I don't put those emotions to much use. I just hide from them. But I am trying. This blog is as much for me as it is for you, really. It is a place that I can put those big, big feelings into perspective. If I write for you, than I am not hiding from them. And maybe, just maybe, what I write will strike a chord with you and you won't have to live this way. I also want to remember that all of those feelings/fears mean nothing if I don't ACT. I need to DO if I want to feel productive and healthy. Nobody "thinks" themselves into a better place.

I woke up today feeling bludgeoned. I don't know why. Maybe it was just that I was deeply asleep and then pulled from it. But there is a core of fear inside today. Just nervous. So...I am sitting at my desk - NOT laying on my bed. And I am going to go outside today - it is more than perfect out. And I am going to a meeting and I am bringing you to TaeKwondo. So, yeah. Lots to do today. Just need to stop...waiting for life, hiding from life.

I know that this entry won't make any sense. That's okay. All I really want you to know that the randomness in my head isn't your fault. I love you my girls.

Good morning my girls,

I have learned a few things over the last week - wanted to share them with you.

- I've learned that you are just where you are supposed to be. And so am I.
- I've learned that frustration is better let out than in.
- that no one should be afraid to SHOW what is in their heart, at least not amongst family.

- that I am still learning and growing and that for so long, I thought I was supposed to be...done. We're never done. Don't ever stop trying to understand our purpose here and how our lives affect another.

- that your dad is a good man. Faults and all - he loves you and he loves me.

- that our little family is safe and protected and loved and that our love will continue to grow if we let it. It can also diminish if we don't work hard to keep it flourishing.

- that when you bury the hurts, they come back and bite you tenfold. Don't bury them.

- that these lessons have to be learned over and over and over again. Wash, rinse, repeat.

- that we can turn things over to a higher power and ask for HIM to hold them for a bit. We don't need to control the world. We don't need to control how we feel. We don't need to control, period. We can just let things happen and they will unfold as they are supposed to.

- that people/places/things are put into our lives for a reason. Every time. EVERY time. For so long, I believed that it was coincidence or fate or dumb luck or BAD luck. Nope. I don't think so anymore. We might not understand the reason, but there is always a reason and ALWAYS a solution.

I could go on, but, honestly? You won't believe most of this until you learn it for yourself. Just know that I am here and that I understand (or am trying to) and that I will do whatever I can to help you.

I love you.

Thanks for a place to put this. Grateful for:

Sobriety, kids, husband, ken, sponsor.

A good sermon isn't preached, it is lived...

I was resentful as I left you with my friends to go to a meeting this evening. I was enjoying myself and feeling good. There was no danger of my drinking, but the camaraderie feeling was definitely there. It felt like "old times" in a way. You were having fun, my girlfriends were getting "tight". I could feel good, deep conversations on the horizon. Yup. Old times.

When I realized that I would have to leave in a few moments if I was to get to my sponsor's house on time, I thought, "Damn. Now? I have to leave NOW?" I argued it back and forth in my head and even tried to come up with some good excuses as to why I couldn't go. Fact is though, I knew that I needed to. Somewhere, deep in my heart, I knew that if I blew off this meeting, it would be way too easy to blow off another. Accountability.

Turned out to be a good meeting after all. Saw a magazine cover with HOME on it - made me homesick and sad, but it was there for a reason. Not sure what it is yet, but maybe it was HP's way of telling me that I AM home, even here.

And, as one who can get just a bit "preachy" sometimes as I look down from my self righteous mount...it was good to see that sign along the road on the way home.

"A good sermon isn't preached, it is lived".

My girls, you were perfect today.

Jelly made, laundry done, house picked up. We even sat around the kitchen table and made up a list of family "rules" in an effort to cut down on the confusion in our daily lives. I don't know if it will work, but I want you to know (when you read this) that I am trying. I am trying with all of my heart to give you tools that you can use, that WE can use to make our family safe and strong and full of wonderful memories. Be safe. Feel peace. I love you both.

Mundane, and that's a good thing...

Olivia, I love you to pieces, but my head will never be the same after you do my hair! I think that you have removed my scalp with the brush! Ah, well. It's what mothers do...

You both had a good day at school today - it's FRIIIIIIDAAAAAY! Olivia has already said that she wants to watch a movie this evening - with popcorn, all together. Sounds like a plan for me. It's raining and Hurricane Ike is coming ashore in Texas. Grandma and Grampa are hanging in there - Grampa is struggling these days, more and more. I hope that you remember him with lots of love, even though he scared you. He scared me too, sometimes, you know. You need to know that when you get older. But he was full of love. He was. He just didn't know how to show it. To me or to you.

I cleaned my closet today and put away clothes. Did laundry. Took Porridge to get his nails clipped. Worked a little. Cleaned the cat litter. Washed the toothbrushes. Organized my desk. Made our bed with the new comforter - it's nice!

This is a short one. Just a little update as you watch tv in my room while I type. I like having you in the same space. I like having you in my world. I need you to know that. I love you both so much.

Decided this is for you, girls...

Emma has been asking me so many questions of late..."what did you get for Christmas when you were little, Mom?" and "were you scared of the dark when you were little, Mom?" and "Did Grandma yell at you when you didn't eat your dinner, Mom?".

So...since I am not so good at talking WITH my kids, I will write. Hopefully, when they grow up, they will forgive me for being distant from them. For not being "there" with them. I am learning how, but I fear that I have dropped the ball so often. Thankfully, as Ken says, you can start your day over anytime you want.

It's a rainy day today and we started out well. You got dressed and ready for school and we read together on the couch. I shared the St. Francis prayer with you...it is better to understand rather than be understood. And I reminded you that there is ALWAYS a solution. It's so hard to remember that sometimes. That and "acceptance is the answer to ALL of my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being EXACTLY THE WAY IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE at this moment." If I teach you nothing else in life, please let me teach you this.

And, Olivia, you are not forgotten. You, my amazing little bundle of exuberance, please remember that your joys will be as many as your sorrows and that you will no doubt conquer the world with your intensity. Grandma says that you are an Indigo child. I have to say that I am beginning to believe that. You feel so incredibly deeply and everything, EVERYTHING is intensified for you. Treasure that, as painful as it is sometimes. For you will experience amazing highs and tremendous lows and you will be wise. If we can ever get you to sit down long enough to...be.

My kids...so wonderful. One is sensitive and kind and thoughtful and well...content to just...be. The other...so kinetic and alive. Hard to keep up with sometimes - into everything and full of conversation and laughter. Very different. I hope that you grow closer as you age. I know that at the moment, you can't stand one another sometimes. That Olivia steals your stuff and Emma calls you names and that you are so confused by all the "rules" in life. I know that you are doing your best and learning so much everyday and trying to understand and navigate to smooth waters. Remember though, that you have each other always. That Papa and I won't be here forever, but that, with luck, you will always have each other. I never had that with my siblings and it makes me sad. I watch the two of you play together - when you DO play together! - and I realize that you are each a gift to the other. You understand each other and you protect each other. That is what love is my girls. Not taking care of, but rather caring for, another person.

This is a bit random today, I'm realizing. I suppose that the chaos of last night has stayed with me longer than it stayed with you. Or maybe not. Regardless, I wanted to write to let you know that you are loved. That you are perfect as you are and that, when you read this later in life, realize that it was written so that you could know what I was thinking right now, at this minute.

Run, Rabbit, Run

The rabbit hunkered down in fear, for she knew that the hawk had been spotted, and the fox was near. She nibbled fearfully on the tender spring grass, not daring to enjoy it - get absorbed in enjoying something and your aren't paying attention. "That's when they getcha", the old ones said.

No, it was much more important to be watchful, be wary, be ready to run and hide at a moment's notice...you never know when they'll spring on ya. A shadow crossed the evening sky. The rabbit raced for cover! One by one she tried to get to the safety of the warren...to no avail. Each of the warren holes was closed off to her. Every avenue of escape was blocked!

Around and around the clearing she ran...surely there was just one more place to try to hide? Surely?

Heart beating furiously, eyes wide with terror, she sat paralyzed in the center of the clearing. Surely, all of the tales she had been told would be true. A fate worse than death. The slow, torturous tearing of flesh from bone. Long, howling rabbit squeals as the bird fed on its prey.

The shadow descended, looming, darker and nearer with each shallow breath. The air grew chill and even the birds stopped singing. Complete stillness captured the glade until suddenly....

WHOOOOOSH! The shadow passed and where there had been terror, was peace. Where there had been certain death, there was comfort. And where there had been the surety of nothingness, there was trust.

The rabbit wandered through the glade nibbling on the crisp evening grass, intoxicated with the sober sweetness of knowing.

The dusk crept towards evening and the rabbit rested.