Emma has been asking me so many questions of late..."what did you get for Christmas when you were little, Mom?" and "were you scared of the dark when you were little, Mom?" and "Did Grandma yell at you when you didn't eat your dinner, Mom?".
So...since I am not so good at talking WITH my kids, I will write. Hopefully, when they grow up, they will forgive me for being distant from them. For not being "there" with them. I am learning how, but I fear that I have dropped the ball so often. Thankfully, as Ken says, you can start your day over anytime you want.
It's a rainy day today and we started out well. You got dressed and ready for school and we read together on the couch. I shared the St. Francis prayer with you...it is better to understand rather than be understood. And I reminded you that there is ALWAYS a solution. It's so hard to remember that sometimes. That and "acceptance is the answer to ALL of my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being EXACTLY THE WAY IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE at this moment." If I teach you nothing else in life, please let me teach you this.
And, Olivia, you are not forgotten. You, my amazing little bundle of exuberance, please remember that your joys will be as many as your sorrows and that you will no doubt conquer the world with your intensity. Grandma says that you are an Indigo child. I have to say that I am beginning to believe that. You feel so incredibly deeply and everything, EVERYTHING is intensified for you. Treasure that, as painful as it is sometimes. For you will experience amazing highs and tremendous lows and you will be wise. If we can ever get you to sit down long enough to...be.
My kids...so wonderful. One is sensitive and kind and thoughtful and well...content to just...be. The other...so kinetic and alive. Hard to keep up with sometimes - into everything and full of conversation and laughter. Very different. I hope that you grow closer as you age. I know that at the moment, you can't stand one another sometimes. That Olivia steals your stuff and Emma calls you names and that you are so confused by all the "rules" in life. I know that you are doing your best and learning so much everyday and trying to understand and navigate to smooth waters. Remember though, that you have each other always. That Papa and I won't be here forever, but that, with luck, you will always have each other. I never had that with my siblings and it makes me sad. I watch the two of you play together - when you DO play together! - and I realize that you are each a gift to the other. You understand each other and you protect each other. That is what love is my girls. Not taking care of, but rather caring for, another person.
This is a bit random today, I'm realizing. I suppose that the chaos of last night has stayed with me longer than it stayed with you. Or maybe not. Regardless, I wanted to write to let you know that you are loved. That you are perfect as you are and that, when you read this later in life, realize that it was written so that you could know what I was thinking right now, at this minute.
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