Wow...things turn so quickly...

So, it's a good news/bad news thing today. On the job front, good news, I may have a chance at a pretty sizable promotion, we'll see...Bad news? Dad/Grampa is very sick - he's been diagnosed with MRSA. He's 87 and his system isn't really strong, so he may not make it through this one. That said, he's come through so many times before, you never can write the script, right? So, I'm hoping for the best (even as I am fearing the worst.)

You girls are doing just great and it's been a fun summer for you so far! You both got belt promotions with TaeKwonDo! Congratulations! You've been to the pool and played with lots of friends. Staying up late and catching fireflies in the evening - just being wonderful kids! E, you're getting ready to go to France with Papa alone for the first time. It will be strange to be going without me and Olivia, but I can't help thinking that you are so very lucky to be getting to travel alone with your Dad. This will stay with you always. Treasure it, no matter what happens!

Olivia, you & I will go to NC to visit other relatives, hopefully, depending on how Grampa does. This is such a hard time in your mom's life. Your grampa is such a good and honorable man and I've always loved him with all my heart. It's so hard to see him declining so slowly. I have a pit in my stomach these days, wondering when he will pass.

Doing my best to stay focused on the here and now and not "write the script". It's good to have that spiritual foundation that I've been working on for the last couple of years. Can't imagine going through this without it and I will always be grateful for it. Will write more later. Love, mom

Musings on a Sunday morning...

I do struggle with relationships, my dears...there are times when I feel close enough to crawl inside of someone, and other times well...other times when I just don't even know how we fell into the same lives together. And I'm not talking about your dad necessarily, although surely he fits like that, too, sometimes...I guess I'm talking about everyone out there. A few things that I've learned about relationships:

- no matter what, you can't get your own life satisfaction out of them. That's still got to come from within you.

- don't let the other person's mood/reactions alter your perceptions of the day/event/happening - I'm still working on this one, always will be, I think.

- forgive the other person when you can and move on. Don't dwell on the hurts.

- Call them on the bullsh*t.

- Be prepared when they call YOU on the bullsh*t.

- Try to think of THEM - the other - before yourself. Challenging, for sure. But that's what it takes. That doesn't mean laying down and letting them walk all over you. Hell, no. But think of their needs, then your needs and maybe you can find some compromise.

- people DO move in and out of your life. It hurts when they leave, but that doesn't have to change your feelings for them. Always leave the light on.

I'll write more later, but these thoughts were in my head today and I wanted to jot them down for you.

It's been too long!

Well, it's been a long time since I've written! At least here, anyway...I've been busy, life got in the way. I'm almost finished my Master's degree now. And I'm glad that I did it. I'm hoping that you will forgive me for being too busy for you sometimes. It's been hard, balancing work and school and life. I feel like I've done okay. You are both still growing and so very cool. Emma, you're almost a BLACK belt! WOW! When did THAT happen??? And Olivia, darlin' Olivia, you've tried so many things and always feel just a bit in your sister's shadow. Not to worry, you'll hit your stride and find your niche. Don't ever compare yourself with another, right? I think that it's funny how kids get "cool" one day. I don't think that I ever felt that way, but you guys? You've got it goin' on. Olivia with your sense of style and sass. Emma with your amazingly deep wisdom and kindness. I admire both of you, ya know. Even when I'm frustrated with you! :)

LOL - both of you are sick of hearing me talk, talk, talk. Here I am, trying to offer you my great wisdom...you just want to go PLAY! And rightly so. I should take a page from your book, I think. Maybe that's why I'm writing today - cuz you are sick of me trying to TELL you...

I was reading another blog today and someone mentioned feeling sad and how they felt that we, the readers, could likely feel their sadness. It's true, you know. Words have such power. I hope that you grow up to appreciate them as I do. I don't know, though...technology dominates everywhere for you guys. A book? With PAGES??? C'mon, Mom, that is SO old fashioned! LOL! Yup, yup it is. And honestly, I do my reading on the internet now as well...but I remember books being such a safety for me. I'd get lost for days and days in my books, reading them over and over, almost to tatters...

I want you to watch out for depression as you get older. It runs in the family and it is a scary thing. You have to be on guard against it. You have to recognize the signs and be sure that you don't get swallowed into the void. I'm just sayin'...be careful. When you get older, we'll talk about it, and we'll be open and honest about it and see it for what it is and not for a "weakness" or a "failing". Not sure what makes me want to write that, maybe it's the changes that I see in you, my dear Emma. You are really starting to seem so grown up and the hard years are coming. I want to be there to help you learn during those times, if you'll let me.

I'm gonna go pull the ziti out of the oven. I can smell that it's done and it's Olivia's favorite. Love you my girls. Will try to write more often.

Over the river...

We're off to home on Monday. Part of me is ecstatic! Part of me feels like I have too much to DOOOOOOOOOO to go home next week. Part of me feels like I will implode if I don't get some real actual WORK done soon. I've been so stressed these last few days.

- work is busy
- going home
- economic insecurity
- no sure that I will have a JOB in a few months
- wishing that I had a month off

Still, it's Friday, it's the weekend and I'm going to try to relax some. Will work tomorrow morning. Will also hit a meeting tomorrow morning. And pack. And clean my house. And do laundry. And, and, and. Sigh. Ah well. At least I am alive and my kids are healthy and happy. Just keep swimming...

Almost a month between writings...

Hmmmm...not sure why unless it is because there has been so much going on with work and your school and what not. That and the relative peace in my life for the moment! Mom/Grandma's "suspicious nodule" turned out to be nothing. All of that upset and it was NOTHING??? Yup and I'm glad of it. Dad/Grampa is failing slowly, but he's still got it going on. He helped me with a situation at work through his experiences. Remember, age IS experience and even if it's not "modern" it is still a good thing for you to lean on once in awhile.

Your dad is frustrated with his weight, and I am sad for him sometimes. He is frustrated, but not motivated. I've learned that when the pain becomes great enough...we make changes. Not before. I hope that he doesn't go too far. He loves you both so much, you know.

Tae kwon do is great for both of you! I wish that you practiced more. Both of you look SO good in those uniforms and I love that you are learning a self defense art now - I could have used it at your age, believe me! I also like that it gives you discipline and self confidence, things that you don't see yet and don't realize that you need.

Emma, you finished out the soccer season with a bang - you are a star on the field and I expect that you will play forever. And you are finally (FINALLY!) discovering that reading IS fun! I worried about you, ya know. Worried that you would always find Spongebob more interesting than a good book. But no, you read happily every day now. I can't wait for you to figure out that you can create whole worlds in your head....Somehow though, I don't worry TOO much about you - you are so clever and so intuitive. You always know when something is up and you always know how to make people feel better. Be careful - I have those traits too and they caused me some grief. Still, I wouldn't change 'em. They brought me great joy too. I guess what I am saying is to accept all of yourself, always. You are who you are and you are wonderful!

Olivia, you lost your second front tooth this past weekend - you have that classic gap tooth look that is just soooooo cute! I could hug you forever with that toothless grin. Reminds me of when you were just a baby! You aren't a baby any more though. Nope, not at all. You are asking so many questions now! And telling stories and you keep your dad and me laughing with the quickness of your wit! You gave me my book title you know, already. I will call it, "A journey for my tastebuds" because that is what you said the first time that you ate a soup that I made. "Mom," you said, "this soup is SO good! It is like a journey for my tastebuds!" I think that I will always hear your voice in my head with that one!

Both of you are growing up too fast, you know. I miss the little you's sometimes, but am so proud of how you are turning out. I am lucky to have such amazing, smart, beautiful girls. So lucky! Whatever life brings you, remember that I love you. And that I believe in you with all of my heart. Feel peace my girls.

manufacture your misery...

"Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize on it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence." (Alcoholics Anonymous.p133)

So...I feel like I have been manufacturing my misery. Parents get old, they die. I feel like I want to be serene and peaceful about it all and thus demonstrate that I understand His omnipotence. But I am so SAD!!

How do you do it? How do you find peace? How do I cheerfully capitalize on THIS?

On the plus side - I am sober to help them and witness them through this part of their journey but I am 1000 miles AWAY!

And I worry that I am manufacturing my misery - like the Monty Python skit - "they ain't dead yet!"

I don't feel particularly graceful or dignified right now....

Thanks for a place to put this...

Today, well lived...

Today well lived...

"Each today, well-lived, makes yesterday a dream of happiness and each tomorrow a vision of hope. Look, therefore, to this one day, for it and it alone is life."

Someone sent this in a profile comment yesterday and it inspired me the whole day. I have seen it several times over the last several days...no coincidence, I am sure.

Today, WELL lived....

I went to bed last night and asked myself if I had lived well. And I could honestly answer yes.

Several times during the day, I asked myself if I was living well. And I was.

This morning, I asked how I could live today well. What can I do to enhance the world that I live in? To contribute? To give? And I've come up with some ideas, most of them very mundane. But it feels right to ask that question of myself now.

Quietly, humbly and gratefully, I share this phrase with you. May it have the same effect on you as it did on me.

Thanks for a place to put this.

Grateful for my job, sobriety, crisp autumn days and cold autumn nights. Montreal smoked meat and good rye bread. Kids, kittens, ken...