Over the river...

We're off to home on Monday. Part of me is ecstatic! Part of me feels like I have too much to DOOOOOOOOOO to go home next week. Part of me feels like I will implode if I don't get some real actual WORK done soon. I've been so stressed these last few days.

- work is busy
- going home
- economic insecurity
- no sure that I will have a JOB in a few months
- wishing that I had a month off

Still, it's Friday, it's the weekend and I'm going to try to relax some. Will work tomorrow morning. Will also hit a meeting tomorrow morning. And pack. And clean my house. And do laundry. And, and, and. Sigh. Ah well. At least I am alive and my kids are healthy and happy. Just keep swimming...

Almost a month between writings...

Hmmmm...not sure why unless it is because there has been so much going on with work and your school and what not. That and the relative peace in my life for the moment! Mom/Grandma's "suspicious nodule" turned out to be nothing. All of that upset and it was NOTHING??? Yup and I'm glad of it. Dad/Grampa is failing slowly, but he's still got it going on. He helped me with a situation at work through his experiences. Remember, age IS experience and even if it's not "modern" it is still a good thing for you to lean on once in awhile.

Your dad is frustrated with his weight, and I am sad for him sometimes. He is frustrated, but not motivated. I've learned that when the pain becomes great enough...we make changes. Not before. I hope that he doesn't go too far. He loves you both so much, you know.

Tae kwon do is great for both of you! I wish that you practiced more. Both of you look SO good in those uniforms and I love that you are learning a self defense art now - I could have used it at your age, believe me! I also like that it gives you discipline and self confidence, things that you don't see yet and don't realize that you need.

Emma, you finished out the soccer season with a bang - you are a star on the field and I expect that you will play forever. And you are finally (FINALLY!) discovering that reading IS fun! I worried about you, ya know. Worried that you would always find Spongebob more interesting than a good book. But no, you read happily every day now. I can't wait for you to figure out that you can create whole worlds in your head....Somehow though, I don't worry TOO much about you - you are so clever and so intuitive. You always know when something is up and you always know how to make people feel better. Be careful - I have those traits too and they caused me some grief. Still, I wouldn't change 'em. They brought me great joy too. I guess what I am saying is to accept all of yourself, always. You are who you are and you are wonderful!

Olivia, you lost your second front tooth this past weekend - you have that classic gap tooth look that is just soooooo cute! I could hug you forever with that toothless grin. Reminds me of when you were just a baby! You aren't a baby any more though. Nope, not at all. You are asking so many questions now! And telling stories and you keep your dad and me laughing with the quickness of your wit! You gave me my book title you know, already. I will call it, "A journey for my tastebuds" because that is what you said the first time that you ate a soup that I made. "Mom," you said, "this soup is SO good! It is like a journey for my tastebuds!" I think that I will always hear your voice in my head with that one!

Both of you are growing up too fast, you know. I miss the little you's sometimes, but am so proud of how you are turning out. I am lucky to have such amazing, smart, beautiful girls. So lucky! Whatever life brings you, remember that I love you. And that I believe in you with all of my heart. Feel peace my girls.

manufacture your misery...

"Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize on it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence." (Alcoholics Anonymous.p133)

So...I feel like I have been manufacturing my misery. Parents get old, they die. I feel like I want to be serene and peaceful about it all and thus demonstrate that I understand His omnipotence. But I am so SAD!!

How do you do it? How do you find peace? How do I cheerfully capitalize on THIS?

On the plus side - I am sober to help them and witness them through this part of their journey but I am 1000 miles AWAY!

And I worry that I am manufacturing my misery - like the Monty Python skit - "they ain't dead yet!"

I don't feel particularly graceful or dignified right now....

Thanks for a place to put this...

Today, well lived...

Today well lived...

"Each today, well-lived, makes yesterday a dream of happiness and each tomorrow a vision of hope. Look, therefore, to this one day, for it and it alone is life."

Someone sent this in a profile comment yesterday and it inspired me the whole day. I have seen it several times over the last several days...no coincidence, I am sure.

Today, WELL lived....

I went to bed last night and asked myself if I had lived well. And I could honestly answer yes.

Several times during the day, I asked myself if I was living well. And I was.

This morning, I asked how I could live today well. What can I do to enhance the world that I live in? To contribute? To give? And I've come up with some ideas, most of them very mundane. But it feels right to ask that question of myself now.

Quietly, humbly and gratefully, I share this phrase with you. May it have the same effect on you as it did on me.

Thanks for a place to put this.

Grateful for my job, sobriety, crisp autumn days and cold autumn nights. Montreal smoked meat and good rye bread. Kids, kittens, ken...

Simple things...

Simple things....
My daughter woke me up gently this morning and then brought me breakfast in bed. A bagel, toasted with cream cheese and a glass of milk. She didn't dare carry the coffee upstairs! :)

I was laying in my bed, appreciating the good lay in that I had had. It's getting cooler now where I live and there is wonderful north breeze blowing. Winter is coming...

I've got giardiniere to can and bread to bake. My husband brought me a proofing basket so that I can make my breads look even prettier. It wasn't something I asked him to bring me, just a sweet thing to do on his part.

The kittens are sweet and snuggly and wonderful. Revovering nicely from their spaying. We have a snug little house and a warm down blanket and happy kids and my network of friends is growing. Every meeting that I go to, I feel a little bit more "a part of".

I scheduled a trip home. My mom needs help and I want to see my Dad - he is not doing well and, while not FAILING, he is definitely FADING. So hard. And yet, I feel now that maybe I won't dissolve into a pool of nothing (or alcohol) when he dies. Maybe now I have some OTHER tools that I can use to get through it.

No real point here today, and certainly not a revelations kind of post. But sometimes it is the simple things, well noticed that make me feel the most content.

Thanks for a place to put this.

So very grateful for kids, ken, kittens, my husband, sobriety and fellowship.

Sweaty toothed mad man...

From Dead Poet's Society - in reference to Walt Whitman - Tod is pushed to BE the poet that is inside of him, no matter WHAT intimidates him. Sometimes I am so filled with conflicting emotions that it hurts...I am physically overwhelmed by it. I don't put those emotions to much use. I just hide from them. But I am trying. This blog is as much for me as it is for you, really. It is a place that I can put those big, big feelings into perspective. If I write for you, than I am not hiding from them. And maybe, just maybe, what I write will strike a chord with you and you won't have to live this way. I also want to remember that all of those feelings/fears mean nothing if I don't ACT. I need to DO if I want to feel productive and healthy. Nobody "thinks" themselves into a better place.

I woke up today feeling bludgeoned. I don't know why. Maybe it was just that I was deeply asleep and then pulled from it. But there is a core of fear inside today. Just nervous. So...I am sitting at my desk - NOT laying on my bed. And I am going to go outside today - it is more than perfect out. And I am going to a meeting and I am bringing you to TaeKwondo. So, yeah. Lots to do today. Just need to stop...waiting for life, hiding from life.

I know that this entry won't make any sense. That's okay. All I really want you to know that the randomness in my head isn't your fault. I love you my girls.

Good morning my girls,

I have learned a few things over the last week - wanted to share them with you.

- I've learned that you are just where you are supposed to be. And so am I.
- I've learned that frustration is better let out than in.
- that no one should be afraid to SHOW what is in their heart, at least not amongst family.

- that I am still learning and growing and that for so long, I thought I was supposed to be...done. We're never done. Don't ever stop trying to understand our purpose here and how our lives affect another.

- that your dad is a good man. Faults and all - he loves you and he loves me.

- that our little family is safe and protected and loved and that our love will continue to grow if we let it. It can also diminish if we don't work hard to keep it flourishing.

- that when you bury the hurts, they come back and bite you tenfold. Don't bury them.

- that these lessons have to be learned over and over and over again. Wash, rinse, repeat.

- that we can turn things over to a higher power and ask for HIM to hold them for a bit. We don't need to control the world. We don't need to control how we feel. We don't need to control, period. We can just let things happen and they will unfold as they are supposed to.

- that people/places/things are put into our lives for a reason. Every time. EVERY time. For so long, I believed that it was coincidence or fate or dumb luck or BAD luck. Nope. I don't think so anymore. We might not understand the reason, but there is always a reason and ALWAYS a solution.

I could go on, but, honestly? You won't believe most of this until you learn it for yourself. Just know that I am here and that I understand (or am trying to) and that I will do whatever I can to help you.

I love you.

Thanks for a place to put this. Grateful for:

Sobriety, kids, husband, ken, sponsor.